As the post title may offer, I've had so much on my mind about marriage recently. We're starting to come close to our one year mark (HOLY MOLY, I can't believe it!) and I've gotten to do a lot of reflecting. The one conclusion that I've come to in all reflection periods is: Marriage is hella hard.
It's always easy to love when things are going great: when your husband does something sweet or when life is going well... but its really hard to love when you fight/disagree... or when your husband's socks are swimming all over the floor or when he leaves his dirty cups stacked away all over his gaming table until it turns black inside. (lol ;) You start to wonder what you loved about your husband in the first place... or if your husband even loves you, especially when you feel like you can't make him smile anymore after a stressful day.
It's really been looming on my mind because I have had multiple cry fests where I question myself.. I wonder if this is what I should be feeling.. I ask God, 'is it supposed to be this difficult to love someone?' I scream at felix with tears in my eyes, "Why doesn't anyone else feel this way?!!? Why are we the only couple that is struggling so much!?!"
I've read "The Meaning of Marriage" by Tim Keller multiple times. It just so refreshing in serving as a reminder of how imperfect we all are, yet God created this love that is so much greater than we could ever imagine. Here is a quote from the book that I constantly look at and feel just a glimpse of HOW GREAT our God is:
“...We must say to ourselves something like this: 'Well, when Jesus looked down from the cross, he didn't think "I am giving myself to you because you are so attractive to me." No, he was in agony, and he looked down at us - denying him, abandoning him, and betraying him - and in the greatest act of love in history, he STAYED. He said, "Father, forgive them, they don't know what they are doing." He loved us, not because we were lovely to him, but to make us lovely. That is why I am going to love my spouse.' Speak to your heart like that, and then fulfill the promises you made on your wedding day.”
Every time I read this, I'm reminded at how deep our father's love is for us. and how no matter how difficult we are, He doesn't turn away from us. How great is that love. In turn, I should look to the cross when I serve Felix and think how broken we are, yet how loved.
I love Felix with all my heart, but I know it wasn't meant to be easy. Most days I want to punch his left manboob or kick him in the shins, but then I remember the greatest love story out there... of how much our God loved us so much to send His Son to die for us, so we can be redeemed. How beautiful is that.
I hope that if any of you are struggling in any relationships, that this may bring you encouragement. Know that you aren't alone in your struggles and that it can only get better from here ;)